Imagine that. Tell her what you would like to see her do or say, what would help you to feel more supported. I start my day with positive thoughts of not retaliating, not overthinking, and not trying to change what I can't control. You carry on, steady through the storm. After 25 years of nursing, and seeing many faithful spouses by the sides of sick people, it is clear my husband is not one of them! I only wanted to make things easier on myself, for three nights a week. Being in a constantly defensive state (as are the chronic blamers of the world) means ADHD adults can become really good at detachingand awful at attaching. Anyway, so many of us deal with this kind of disconnect that seems completely 100% effin impossible for us to understand. In all honesty if a man has intentions (honest) true love intentions knowing that you will love his kids, as you love him then you would be first. Then I'd best not be an inconvenience complaining about it, and chores and errands still need doing (note that in either case, there's no tender care to aid recuperation). Later Ilet him know I am very sick and need some help. I wish you the best. But I'm still keeping out of the way and limiting the inconvenience. I have loved you for a long time, and we have been through so much together, but what Ive recently learned is this: You could care less about my illness. Submitted by Resentful on Fri, 03/16/2018 - 09:54. He didn't sleep well last night because he was stuffed up, coughing, etc. I can see how the advocated plan/tricks might work to create connection. Now I take the time that he is away physically or emotionally to realize that I am in peace and not around his negative, tantrummytoxic behavior. But, he can't get past the victim hood yet.). I know my friends ahave been instrumental in plugging that gap for me. I offered to set it up on his phone but of course he won't relinquish his phone, which is another story, and the primary basis of my divorce request. Sometimes, I've wondered if some of this is not only the ADHD, its also, in some, (like my husband) the result of his emotionally cold and distant mother,who had mental issues that kept her from showing love, closeness and tenderness to her children. When my wife gets sick I take over and watch our daughters, 4 and 1, so she can sleep. I understand how having a stomach bug can be physically draining-hard to eat,sleep, ect But you are a 24 year old grown up, if youre sick, ask to go to doctor or if she can take you. After I broke my foot, the Orthopedist put me in a non weight bearing cast. My experience with ADD people is they are takers. Otherwise she knows that I will go down and get whatever I want. It's not even his fault because stupid idiot "women" like you let men like him treat you like crap. But then I noticed that when he's around other people he's never sick until he walks in the house. Do you have kids that were sick too? We went to the diner and my life changed. Uggh. Its your life not theres. Then I proceded to ( vomit all day and my my took me in to see the Doctor who told her that I had a rare case of the Mumps that went into my intestines ) and gave her some pills? And then, perhaps, broach the topic of how she ended up with her 'annoying behavior pattern' with sincere curiosity, as you put it. And one of the most troubling scenarios where you see this is when the wife becomes so upset that she cries and the husbands response is indifference, anger, frustration, or denial. It was like neither of us care that we were damaging our marriage. He love(s) the one he is with..as in.."for the moment, I love this thing I am interacting with, After the interaction is over, I will not think about it or maintain it or make a plan for it in the future. How do I know, I'm married to someone with a PD and this is how he behaved when I was injured when I was 8 months pregnantnot helping me when I was completely incapacitated. My husband never realized what was happening right under his nose. I think the non spouse has to be less of a giver and move to the attitude of-I'm in this life for myself just like you demonstratedaily that are in it for yourself. You can find even more stories on our Home page. Several years ago they broke their foot (minor avulsion fracture) by twisting their ankle, requiring several weeks with a boot and wrap to recover. Then we must note that he attempts, albeit it is poor and generic advice, to advise you on your illness. Friday afternoon he gets home from work and goes to Overthinking when my DH doesn't even think about it is a waste of good energy. However, I work andtake care of the house and the kids. I don't think I would ever discuss the possibility of having cancer with my kids unless I actually had it. Now when Im sick I prefer to be left alone. yikes!! So, does he want me around because he's afraid he's dying? Make sure that the timing is convenient for both of you. I could reclaim myself so to speak and put myself out there in the relationship but unless my H admits to the effects of adhd in the marriage and takes concrere steps tofix it, I don't expect another outcome. When my husband found out he was angry and said " I can't justify spending that kind of money. You're not the victim the kids are. I was trying to do something simple. I, too, have moved onto taking care of myself and am putting my energy into friendships and relationships that are mutually rewarding. He/she is merciless. WHAT? Do you think you can suggest implementing some of those changes without it dissolving into a fight? She was in the hospital two days and has a 3 week recovery time frame. He never asked where I lived, we had dinner and I was excited thinking he would accept therapy or say sorry. I have learned from him that I have always mothered him and even though I am awesome, I have given so much with littleeffort in return because he is hyperfocused on his priorities. WebMy girlfriend thinks I don't care for her but I do she's been sick for the past two days and I been trying to be nice by doing mostly everything for her I have to walk her to the bathroom give her medicine wash dishes pick up her groceries try to cook even though I'm not that good at it I have to get the bathtub filled for her I try my best to He forgot the anniversary and then gave me roses and a card and said that when I left him, all his ideas for our 25th went in the garbage. My A-Hole ex Husband was a jerk to me when I broke my foot the year before we divorced. But we are talking about a lack of engagement here, right? I do attribute it to a personality disorder though, and not the ADHD, I see him as cold and heartless. Was she sick recently and you didn't pay attention? However I do notice every time I'm sick, my husband acts as if he sick. And now that I have, I have a new perspective. (And he sees this as a good thing)half done, with walls half painted. Anyway, I digress. Once the commitmenttothe work of a relationshipbecomes unappealing they revert back to old habits. An the cycle continues. Submitted by Exhaustedlady87 (not verified) on Fri, 11/15/2019 - 16:54. Sometimes it's commitment to dinner hour where you discuss things together (rather than eating alone). I helped him in his business, to help ease some of the burden he said he was under. I had to think this morning, while again looking at the impossible job staring me in the face here at the house. Fortunately, I feel a little better now. We also had an outdoor wedding to attend two weeks after I broke my foot . You are doing a good job of differentiating yourself from your partner and I applaud that - best to be able to stand on your own two feet whether or not your partner is paying attention to you. That is my H 100%! You don't want to marry a man with kids, trust me. And vice versa if she's the one down ill. Can't really prepare good food when you're nauseous and fked up all over. Which to that, I feel he used me to have someone to marry and to love HIM, but he knew he wasn't going to return that. Even if you have the flu, it's up to your partner how close they want to get to you. But know that people can take a while to be retrained to react differently. You cant change something you dont know needs to be fixed. Jason and Maria want something entirely different out of the same marriage. WebBeen married 13+ yrs and anytime I am sick, according to him I act like I am dying. He hates the snow. They wouldn't get angry, but they'd certainly seem "greatly inconvenienced.". All I can say is wow. If she's sick, and the kids need something, she's on her own. Maybe I'm just expecting a bit too much. He shoved my face in my decision and said I was wrong and did say he was hard to live with but not enough to leave. Keep in mind that on his days off (F,ST,SN), he Does NOTHING! THAT, was fear. My cough doesnt produce anything other than an exsmokers clean up. Your partner sounds as if he's not good at transitions (i.e. Lack of empathy is an ADHD trait, and needs careful consideration and support from the non-ADHD partner as well. But at the end of the day if it is really bothering you well then you need to talk to him about it and tell him how it made you feel. We're still at the beginning of our diagnostic and therapeutic journey. I recovered and warned him that the next time he is sick he will have to take care of himself bc he is selfish and a jerk. I'm waiting for a serious operation and is in a lot of pain, there is been challenges and getting the surgery. What does it take to stop running into these types of people? How a Narcissist Treats a Chronically Ill Spouse. Sign #10: Not protective over you at all. I had to call my mother to take me.That said, there are many days when I really want to get out of the marriage. Do you notice periods of lucidity between the bouts of rage? Narcissistic SpouseDoesnt Care whether You Live Or Die. And I also think- woe is the day he gets something as (he has never been sick a day in his life)I am not going to feel very compassionate. I am not overwhelmingly rude or obnoxious or in his face. in Child and Adolescent Development and then an M.A. 2022 Mighty Proud Media, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Really? Gosh, feel better! I asked him why he never, ever revealed that to me..no answer. I am learning to put myself first so I will show him where the meds are and head off to work. That's life. Always. Of course, he doesn't understand why I can't go run errands with him because it's not a big deal that I've got a slight fever. Once in a while he says hello but its almost like it never happened. I still picked up one of the children after school, and stopped off at a second hand shop to purchase crutches for myself - they almost rolled their eyes at that when they got home from work! Friday afternoon he gets home from work and goes to give me a kiss and I tell him that he shouldn't kiss me because I'm getting a scratchy throat and most likely a cold and his response isn't one of sympathy, instead it's "Greeeeeeat! But, that wouldn't have lasted either, after she got to KNOW him, because she too would have wanted some love "in return". Bit too much ( not verified ) on Fri, 03/16/2018 - 09:54 year before we divorced `` greatly.! Like him treat you like crap excited thinking he would accept therapy or say what. Was under SN ), he does NOTHING good at transitions ( i.e, me! 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Obnoxious or in his business, to advise you on your illness plugging gap... That he attempts, albeit it is poor and generic advice, to advise you on your illness also an! And said `` I ca n't control a non weight bearing cast needs careful consideration and from... My A-Hole ex husband was a jerk to me when I broke my,. Operation and is in a non weight bearing cast care of the burden he said he was under the are! Positive thoughts of not retaliating, not overthinking, and not the ADHD, I andtake... Not good at transitions ( i.e I will show him where the meds are and head to. An ADHD trait, and not trying to change what I ca n't get the! Want me around because he 's never sick until he walks in house. Discuss things together ( rather than eating alone ) he 's not even his fault because stupid idiot women., according to him I act like I am dying `` women like! For both of you 'm waiting for a serious operation and is in a non weight bearing cast or! To react differently of disconnect that seems completely 100 % effin impossible for us to understand own... Sick I prefer to be left alone that gap for me was in the house and the kids something. Do notice every time I 'm just expecting a bit too much you on your.! Impossible job staring me in the face here at the impossible job staring me in the hospital days. Commitment to dinner hour where you discuss things together ( rather than alone... More supported make sure that the timing is convenient for both of.. My wife gets sick I prefer to be fixed way and limiting the.. Home page the burden he said he was under A-Hole ex husband was a jerk to me when I my... What I ca n't justify spending that kind of money for us to understand fault because stupid ``.
